Lost in the Sea of Youth

Saturday, May 5, 2012

I read my friend's online entry where she revealed something important about herself. I read it and felt so lost. I think, it wasn't so much as being lost as much as it was lonely. Very, very lonely. Lost at sea. I felt so annoyed, not because she was questioning herself as a person, but rather at the fact I found out like this. Online. Not even over chat. Just scrolling on an entry. The date stamp on the entry shows that it was posted nearly half a month ago. I found out by accident, on a whim.

Why? Why didn't you tell me? That's the question that I have for you. Why? Why like this? We were the friends I thought. It wasn't like I was going to tell you that you were crazy, that you were out of your mind. I wasn't going to say that it was "just another teenage moment". I thought we were close enough friends for you to tell me.

But, I also realize that I'm hugely hypocritical. I'm the one with a blog, where I talk about my life. My mid-life crisis that's not happening mid-life. My feelings of failure. Most of all, the feeling that I don't know who I am. The feelings that I would never tell anyone in person. It's a teenage privilege I think, or burden, to figure yourself out. To discover who you really are admist everything. Breakup. Failure. Sorrow. Anger. If someone I knew had read my blog and asked me about it in person, I'm not really sure I'd be able to talk about it. You lost that anonymity.

It's easier to talk about the lighter things. Clothes. Books. School.

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this post. I have a friend who reads this blog and I wonder what she thinks. It's not something we talk about. I'm so nearly an adult yet at the same time, a child. I honestly don't know myself, and at times like these, I don't know I know my friends. We're teenagers, so it's not like we're supposed to know, right? But we're also thirsty for knowledge and forever curious...

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